The Burmbger Bolg (burger blog)

I eat my burgers good you hear? I FUCKING LOVE BURGERS!!! I like my burgers like I like my men: nice. This blog is my place to catalogue burgers I've eaten ever since July 2026 and rank them together.

Each section's title states the burger name, the shop name, the town and the price (with or without fries).

btw you might need to change your zoom cause it affects how the text aligns with the images

"Cheese Burger", Five Girls, Maldon, £6 with fries

“Five Girls” - pretty clearly a spoof / parody of Five Guys was something I found at a fair. It was pretty okay overall.

Appearance: 7/10 - B

Lowkey looked really good. Like the pure looks might have been nicer than how it tasted fr. I'm a big fan of the classic red and white paper style of fast food packaging, it feels classic and soulful to me. The actual food itself also looked good though. Especially the burger patty. The bun kinda just looked store bought and crusty.

Taste: 6/10 - C

Wasn’t amazing gotta be honest. There were way too many onions for some reason, like two full ass layers of onions and no other vegetables, literally just patty, onions and cheese. Some lettuce or a tomato, maybe some gerkins? Idk man it wouldve been nice. The meat was a little too greasy tbh and the sauce was pretty cheap, like the mayo was kinda watery. Burger sauce was good though. With that said, the actual patty (grease aside) was okay and the bun itself was actually much nicer than it looked.

Value for Money: 7/10 - B

Was like £6ish with fries so pretty good I’d say on terms of money for food quantity. But the quality was very unremarkable so it tanks it down a chunk.

Overall: 6.5/10 - C+

"Parmesan Chicken", Gails, Chelmsford, £8 no fries

“Gails”, felt like a chain café albeit one I haven't heard of before. Had coffee too and that was good. But we're here to talk BURGERS GODDAMMIT.

Appearance: 9/10 - S

Looked very very nice, like budget gourmet if you get me. So much me and my Mum had a debate over whether it was a burger since it looked more like a chicken in a roll… which in my opinion is just… a burger.

Taste: 8/10 - A

Very nice, the bun was particularly tasty. The bread was soft but still well grilled underneath. The parmesan came into play through a cheese sauce I mistook for burger sauce at first. Also some lettuce and very juicy gerkins. The actual chicken patty was just okay. There was a little tough bit that got stuck and I had to chew through, but overall was still nice and quite tender without giving the car tyre feeling if you get me.

Value for Money: 7/10 - B

£8 for a burger is admittedly a bit much, considering there was no side or anything. For reference, the previous entry, the Five Girls cheeseburger was the same price with fries. But this was clearly much better made, had actual vegetables and nicer quality ingredients. Overall, a little overpriced but quality enough I can look the other way. I think 6ish would be fairer.

Overall: 8/10 - A

"Cheeseburger", Kensington Creperie, Little Paris - London, £13.50 with fires, lettuce and coleslaw

Kensington Creperie is, you won't believe it, a Creperie in Kensington, Little Paris. Whilst my family ate french cuisine and appreciated the culture that they came here FOR me and my french A Level, I ate a fucking burger. Because I'm the Burger King goddammit.

Appearance: 7/10 - B

Looked nice, but that's about it. A couple dents in the bun but I'm no Gordan Ramsey: it was fine.

Taste: 7/10 - B

I’m writing this a little later and to be honest, not much stuck out about it. The tomatoes on the side were a little weird since the burger itself had tomatoes inside, so I just cut them and had four halves inside it. That was the only thing that stuck out. I also remember the coleslaw being nice.

Value for Money: 8/10 - A

13.50 is the most expensive I've had so far of the three, but this was a full dinner more or less. A burger with all the vegetables and cheese you'd expect in addition to a decent chunk of chips and some good salad. The real kicker that takes the price from a C to an A is that, well its Kensington. An expensive ass touristy area near the tube in London. This was pretty good for that.

Overall: 7/10 - B

"Vegetarian Cheeseburger", Cosmopolitan, Celebrity Apex, £free because the hotel is all inclusive

The celebrity apex is a cruise ship, can you tell I'm fucking white? After spending a couple thousand pounds though, at least you get free burgers at the restaurants. This is probably the hardest to attain burger I'll ever review, which sucks because it was fucking GOOD.

Appearance: 9/10 - A

Looked very nice, which isn’t surprising considering that generally posher places do prioritise appearance quite often, I did particularly like the way that the sauces and some vegetables were on the side, even though it didn’t make any sense to me.

Taste: 9/10 - S

Absolutely the best of the four so far, the actual burger was… good. For a vegetarian burger, t’was very nice. But the bun and all the vegetables were fucking GREAT. Dude it was all so juicy I wish I could just let you eat it through the screen. Mushrooms aren’t really something I have on burgers but they were really good too. The bun was brioche, which is generally my favorite type so that helped. The coleslaw was about what you’d expect if you’ve ever had restaurant-made coleslaw. Ketchup was whatever.

Value for Money: N/A

Overall: 9/10 - S